My favourite coffee place, the one that makes all other coffee taste like hot sh*t soup, had recently outdone itself. The place brings in a variety of single origin coffee beans from all over the world and roasts/prepares them at the premises on a daily basis.
This time around they got beans from a new Brazilian source named “Bom de Jesus” (or something along these lines). They sold it to us addicts under the label of “Brazil”, but I immediately saw right through them and labelled it Jesus Coffee. To our delight/amazement, it turned out this Jesus does not turn the other chick; this Jesus will bring you back from the dead and make you feel like you’ve never been more alive. Turn water into wine? No, this Jesus turns water into an elixir. We informed the proprietor of the coffee place, whose signature evident on all his creations (through sampling alone he drinks 18 cups a day), that he had outdone himself.
The next step was to procure some of Jesus for home consumption. Usually, the coffee place packs its excess beans and offers them for sale, but Jesus was unique; Jesus was an experimental first run, and therefore not enough of Jesus was produced to allow beans to be sold. Nevertheless, we are not just any customer! That coffee place owes me for making every person on every project I have worked at become a regular customer. So we asked for a Christmas special, some Jesus in a bag. The owner generously delivered, packing more like half a kilo into the usual 250gr bag.
A friend and partner in heritage, also a big fan of Jesus [the coffee], got his bag as a Christmas holiday special. The kind it takes in order to pass through the holidays unscathed while our good coffee place is shut. He kept me up to date on his progress through Jesus. It soon became clear there is a challenge at hand: will there be enough Jesus to last through the whole 8 days of holidays? Will the tiny, precious, amounts of Jesus make it through? It soon became clear nothing but a miracle will make the cut for Jesus.
And I am here to tell you that a miracle did not take place.
* All of the above is factually correct, although I did take poetic liberties when I declared the holiday break to be 8 days long.
** The above text treats certain mythical characters in a way that some may consider blasphemous. Yet I am not afraid to post it. However, this absence of fear does not apply to all religions. This post is therefore dedicated to the victims of a certain Parisian attack on free speech.